"Disagree better?"

In the wake of the horrific Charlie Kirk murder.

   

DisagreeBetter.us

  

KHIT priors: "Civility?" "Influence?" "Deliberation?" "Conflict?" "Evidence?"

 

They cut to the chase fairly nicely.

Disagree Better by How You Speak

• Write down three things you admire about someone you disagree with.
• Identify an opinion or perspective you hold and research the opposing perspective.
• Invite someone with a different viewpoint to coffee or lunch.
• Share a positive story about someone you disagree with on social media.
• Share a book or article that helped you understand a different perspective.
• Send a text to someone you’ve had a disagreement with, expressing appreciation for their perspective.
• Write a thank-you note to a community leader of a different political party.
• Attend a cultural or religious event outside your own tradition.
• Avoid sharing inflammatory or divisive content online.
• Help a neighbor with a task, regardless of their political or social views.
• Organize a neighborhood cleanup or potluck.

Disagree Better by What You Say

• "I respect your opinion, even though I don’t share it. Let’s keep talking.”
• "I see your point, and I’d like to share my perspective as well."
• "That’s an interesting perspective—can you tell me how you arrived at that view?"
• "Thank you for sharing that with me. I learned something from you today.”
• "I appreciate your passion on this topic—it’s clear you care deeply."
• "I hear what you’re saying, and I’d like to offer another way of looking at it."
• "I could be wrong."
• "I respect your opinion, even though I don’t share it. Let’s keep talking."
• "I hadn’t considered that angle—thank you for bringing it up."
• "Let’s agree to disagree on this, but I value the conversation we’re having."

Disagree Better by How You Think

• Avoid making assumptions about someone’s motives.

• Ask about the why behind the opinion or belief. What led someone to believe what they believe?
Be curious.
• 
Look for values you have in common.

• Consider that someone else might be able to teach you something (you might be wrong).

• Your opinions are what you think, not who you are—same for the person across from you.

• See disagreement as an opportunity to expand your thinking, not a threat to your identity.
• 
Respect opinions.
Focus on finding some common ground in a disagreement – what can you agree on?

Disagree Better by How You Listen

• Listen to understand.
• Commit to listening more than speaking in your next conversation.
• Challenge yourself to avoid interrupting during a discussion.
• Practice active listening by summarizing what the other person said before responding.
• Learn about how to increase your listening and conversational skills through partner resources and courses.

Disagree Better by What You Do

• Avoid making assumptions about someone’s motives.
• 
Ask about the why behind the opinion or belief. What led someone to believe what they believe?
Be curious.
• Look for values you have in common.

• Consider that someone else might be able to teach you something (you might be wrong).

• Your opinions are what you think, not who you are—same for the person across from you.
• 
See disagreement as an opportunity to expand your thinking, not a threat to your identity.
• 
Respect opinions.
Focus on finding some common ground in a disagreement – what can you agree on? 

PROBLEM #1:

THERE IS NO 1ST-PERSON SINGULAR PRESENT-TENSE USAGE OF THE WORD "WRONG"

 

No one ever says "I AM wrong."

 

And, how about this?

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT the individual genetic and developmental differences that impact the sensory portions of our nervous systems, it’s remarkable that we can agree on a shared reality at all. You’ll recall that 30 percent of the four hundred or so olfactory receptor genes are functionally different when comparing two random individuals. That’s the first step of the sense of smell, before we even consider individual differences in the brain circuits that process that information or the ways in which those brain circuits are changed by experience. Due to these innate and learned differences in smell and taste perception, my integrated flavor experience of Barolo wine or Cheez Whiz is not exactly the same as yours.

Crucially, these individual differences in perception are present for all sensory systems, not just smell and taste. My red is not necessarily your red, my G-minor chord is not your G-minor chord, and my chilly bedroom is not your chilly bedroom. This individual variation doesn’t hold just for those senses that point outward, but also for those that point inward and inform us about the state of our bodies. In this spirit, my sensation of a full stomach is not your sensation of a full stomach and my ten-degree leftward tilt of the head is not your ten-degree leftward tilt of the head. Each of us operates from a different perception of the world and a different perception of ourselves.

A portion of the individual variation in sensory systems is innate. But those innate effects are elaborated and magnified with time as we accumulate experiences, expectations, and memories, filtered through and in turn modifying those very same sensory systems. In this way, the interacting forces of heredity, experience, plasticity, and development resonate to make us unique. Unique: the new science of human individuality / David J. Linden. New York: Basic Books, 2020. Pg 253.

ONE MORE FOR NOW

Because of livewiring, we are each a vessel of space and time. We drop into a particular spot on the world and vacuum in the details of that spot. We become, in essence, a recording device for our moment in the world. 

When you meet an older person and feel shocked by the opinions or worldview she holds, you can try to empathize with her as a recording device for her window of time and her set of experiences. Someday your brain will be that time-ossified snapshot that frustrates the next generation. 

Here’s a nugget from my vessel: I remember a song produced in 1985 called “We Are the World.” Dozens of superstar musicians performed it to raise money for impoverished children in Africa. The theme was that each of us shares responsibility for the well-being of everyone. 

Looking back on the song now, I can’t help but see another interpretation through my lens as a neuroscientist. We generally go through life thinking there’s me and there’s the world. But as we’ve seen in this book, who you are emerges from everything you’ve interacted with: your environment, all of your experiences, your friends, your enemies, your culture, your belief system, your era—all of it. Although we value statements such as “he’s his own man” or “she’s an independent thinker,” there is in fact no way to separate yourself from the rich context in which you’re embedded. There is no you without the external. Your beliefs and dogmas and aspirations are shaped by it, inside and out, like a sculpture from a block of marble. Thanks to livewiring, each of us is the world.  Eagleman, David. Livewired: The Inside Story of the Ever-Changing Brain (p. 245). (Function). Kindle EditioN,

More in a bit...