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Thursday, May 16, 2019

On Sorcery

...Thank goodness we have you to turn to, Representative Stickland, for homespun wisdom that isn’t tainted by either higher education or the sulfurous fumes of Beelzebub. As a licensed pest control technician, you are well-positioned to critique the instruments of the occult.

I mean, of course, vaccines. Vaccines are powerful dark magic that have eliminated child-killing diseases such as polio, smallpox and — until recently, in this country — measles. If left unchecked, necromancers such as Dr. Hotez and myself would gladly vaccinate every child in Texas who doesn’t have a medical condition affecting their immune system. Our sorcery already prevents 2 to 3 million unnecessary deaths every year, and we would gladly prevent even more.

We would cackle over our big steaming cauldrons as we prevent children from contracting tetanus and experiencing such intense muscle spasms that they break the bones in their spines!

We would interpret diabolical messages from the blood of salamanders as we vaccinate kids against whooping cough, which can kill babies by driving their oxygen levels so low that their hearts slow and they experience cardiac arrest!

The demons lurking among us would howl in ecstasy as we prevent mumps, which can sterilize boys, and measles, which can cause a slow, incurable inflammation of the brain. Nothing would spark more joy in the evil heart of Satan than seeing Texas kids fully protected against vaccine-preventable disease!...

Rachel, I still want to read your doctoral dissertation.

More to come...

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